I have decided it’s time to revisit the glorious back catalogue of Spice Girls videos, ranking the songs and variable degrees of attractiveness of each Spice Girl. I will apply some shambolic system of points scoring, but I pretty much already know which will finish first and last in each category. Nevertheless, I welcome criticism, abuse, and/or reverent praise for my numerous contentious decisions. That said, my decisions are final.
First up - Wannabe
Song Rating - 2.5/5
Despite being the song that catapulted them to fame, it’s a bit of an amateurish effort. Their voices sound a little immature, with even Mel B yet to develop that deep bass that makes one’s balls feel like they are vibrating on a glass coffee table being shared with a 1990’s mobile phone on silent mode. Extra half point for ‘zig a zig aah’.
Video Rating - 3/5
Not one of my favourites, it has to be said. The costumes are borderline schizophrenic in some cases, with Geri Halliwell in particular looking like she’s had to break off early from her part time job serving drinks and stripping in a Soho bar because she’s shit her pants. Usually one of my favourites, Mel C looks and acts like a council estate ASBO delinquent. However, she and Mel B earn extra points for ice cube nipples. Emma does her usual impression of a young Judy Finnegan. Posh spice black mini dress.
Attractiveness rating at this point:
1 - Mel B
2 - Mel C
3 - Geri
4 - Emma
5 - Posh
First up - Wannabe
Song Rating - 2.5/5
Despite being the song that catapulted them to fame, it’s a bit of an amateurish effort. Their voices sound a little immature, with even Mel B yet to develop that deep bass that makes one’s balls feel like they are vibrating on a glass coffee table being shared with a 1990’s mobile phone on silent mode. Extra half point for ‘zig a zig aah’.
Video Rating - 3/5
Not one of my favourites, it has to be said. The costumes are borderline schizophrenic in some cases, with Geri Halliwell in particular looking like she’s had to break off early from her part time job serving drinks and stripping in a Soho bar because she’s shit her pants. Usually one of my favourites, Mel C looks and acts like a council estate ASBO delinquent. However, she and Mel B earn extra points for ice cube nipples. Emma does her usual impression of a young Judy Finnegan. Posh spice black mini dress.
Attractiveness rating at this point:
1 - Mel B
2 - Mel C
3 - Geri
4 - Emma
5 - Posh
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